Democratic Directive

FYI:

When referring to George W. Bush's father, George Herbert Walker Bush, you must only use the term, "daddy" - never, and we mean NEVER, violate this. You must also say it with the requisite amount of contempt in your voice, somewhere between a sneer and a gag. This will help our chances in 2008.

Republican Outrage Fiasco

We have heard that Bush is responsible for the following:

• Michael Vick's unfair treatment by the judicial system - why can't you electrocute dogs??
• All the new hurricanes out there
• Lost's new short season format
• Illegal immigration
• Paris Hilton's unfair jail sentence - no one ever got hurt by drunk driving!
• Barry Bonds unfair treatment in the media - what's wrong with steroids??
• World War I
• The Spanish-American War
• Kenneth Starr
• Roseane Barr
• Bono
• Sonny Bono
• Yoko Ono
• Enron
• The Red Box Conspiracy
• Telemarketing
• The weeds in your garden

Get in there and fight! We need Hillary and Obama! And Sean Penn!

Sheehan/Jackson Candidacy 2008?

Behold the faces of the future. We have heard that Cindy Sheehan, protester to the stars, is teaming up with Jesse Jackson, black religious man to the stars, to run for president in 2008. I, for one, have goose bumps thinking about it. They clearly will prioritize the issues facing us today. I think it is unfair that Mr. Jackson has been asked to account for funding that he has taken into his nonprofit organization - The Rainbow Connection. I am also offended that people have started to spread this rumor that Sheehan has not yet placed a headstone on her son's grave. This woman is BUSY! Leave her alone! I have been reading a lot of Buddhist literature lately, and I have discovered a real gem of wisdom: it is always better to return hate with hate. This is the path to peace and enlightenment. Stay on course with whatever negatives you can muster as much vitriol over - and you shall be victorious!

The First Black Female Presidential Candidate

Hillary Clinton is poised to be the first black female president of the United States. Since Bill was the first black male president of the United States, we'll finally have a black couple in the White House. This will be so much easier than electing actual black people!

Barack Obama is poised to be the first actual male black presidential candidate to lose to the first sort of black female presidential candidate. If Condi Rice runs, we'll have the second sort of black female presidential candidate to lose to the first sort of black female presidential candidate. If Condi runs with Barack, who is blacker? Is Condi blacker than Hillary? And finally, is Bill Clinton blacker than Barack?

These are all tough issues that face us in the upcoming 2008 election. We have heard that Bush's "daddy" plans to steal the election by pretending to be the first black male presidential candidate with the last name Bush to run for office. Will his dirty tricks work? I bet Jeb Bush will try to steal Florida again. It was so unfair that they allowed those military votes to be counted in 2000. We all know that the military votes Republican. What a rip!

Ok, keep your chin up. I'm going to do some research into what Sean Penn is thinking. I'll pass on any nuggets!

Eddie Vedder Hates The War

Eddie Vedder, lead singer of the long-defunct grunge band, Pearl Jam, is turning his talents to a more important cause these days. Yep, Eddie hates the war as much as we do. Eddie hopes that, by decorating his guitar like Woody Guthrie's, he will come off like a socialist-revolutionary-dust-bowl- balladeer. We think he's succeeding. He also has the Bono-like shades to add further credibility to his new political persona. What do you think? We all know that U2 wrote "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" about the Bush-invasion of Kuwait, all those bloody years ago. Eddie feels the need for the grunge community to step up to the plate. We have heard that he as penned a new anti-war song entitled, "No More! No More! No More! War!" Supposedly, Bono approves of the ditty, adding a second chorus that goes, "Who wins? Who Wins? Who wins? Not you!" John Lennon would be proud, methinks.

Scooter Libby - That's Right, We Got You!

Yes, the piper has been paid. You surely know by now that Lewis "Scooter" Libby was arrested by police for his involvement in the Enron scandal. Libby, a former Bush cabinet member, was indicted on 7 counts of insider trading. It is no surprise that Libby was on the board of directors at Haliburton. Apparently he traded inside and made thousands of dollars off of the supposed "war on terrorism." He is a fictitious man in a fictitious war under a fictitious president.

Dick Cheney's Astrological Chart

This is another bit of info from the infamous Red-Box conspiracy. Republicans do not want you to see this. Of course, you know that this is Cheney's Astrological chart. How long was this administration going to sit on this. Thankfully, we have Helen Thomas of the White House press corps to shine a little light on a very dark matter. We heard that Thomas was the one to bring the chart to light during a press conference about Karl Rove. We trust her because she always seems so objective, not like those other Bush-loving monkeys. If someone had done a reading before Mr. Cheney "stole" the election, we wouldn't be in Iraq today. We could have foreseen trouble a brewin'. But, nooooooo, we think astrology is a bunch of hooey. Well, whose crying now? I will answer for you. Iraqis are crying. And illegal immigrants. And gays. And black people. Bush hates them all and so does Cheney. Just look at his chart!!